Hey, it’s Halloween – Time to Sacrifice the Baby!

 

I’ve been anticipating this moment all year, when I can get jiggy with a demon goat and sacrifice my children to the Lord of Darkness, driven by the bewitched Halloween candy I consume.
According to this eminently believable article, the author warns us:

“During this [Halloween] period demons are assigned against those who participate in the rituals and festivities. These demons are automatically drawn to the fetishes that open doors for them to come into the lives of human beings. For example, most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches.

I do not buy candy during the Halloween season. Curses are sent through the tricks and treats of the innocent whether they get it by going door to door or by purchasing it from the local grocery store. The demons cannot tell the difference.”

My friend Shannon reports that she observed a coven of witches encircling the candy display at Costco this past weekend – it all makes sense now.

I did buy several bags of Halloween candy this week. Mostly because the demons in the first bag I bought spirited me into mindlessly devouring the contents within days – obviously Twix Cookie Bars are an element of Satan.

I was smarter the second time – I opened the bags outside while reciting the Lord’s Prayer and emptied the candy into a brown paper bag and the demons into the sand box. Lord help that stray cat next time he takes a dump in there. Two birds, one stone, eh?

Oh and I know you thought you were taking the kids out dressed as Spiderman and a Tinkerbell to gather a little sugary loot, make wonderful family memories, and enjoy fun annual traditions like candy apples, visiting the pumpkin patch, and making jack-o-lanterns, but whether you’ve realized it or not, you are actually training your children to worship Satan. Specifically, you are teaching them to engage in the following activities:

“~ Sex with demons
~ Orgies between animals and humans
~ Animal and human sacrifices
~ Sacrificing babies to shed innocent blood
~ Rape and molestation of adults, children and babies
~ Revel nights
~ Conjuring of demons and casting of spells
~ Release of “time-released” curses against the innocent and the ignorant.
~ …necromancy, or communication with the dead. “

I know, it didn’t seem so dark when you were digging through your kid’s candy bags for the last Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, but I and author Kimberly Daniels can assure you otherwise.

Further, football fans, candy or no candy, you are totally out of luck. You bought a one way ticket to hell when you attended those occult Homecoming pep rallies:

Gathering around bonfires is a common practice in pagan worship. As I remember, the bonfires that I attended during homecoming week when I was in high school were always in the fall. I am amazed at how we ignorantly participate in pagan, occult rituals.”

So dear readers, enjoy your Milky Way snack bars and your Peanut M&Ms, and your mini Twizzlers while you can, oh and those pumpkin shaped Reese’s are divine, aren’t they? But remember the time will come to pay the piper and he wants more than your candy apples. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. I don’t think USPS forwards mail to H-E-double hockey sticks, but it doesn’t hurt to ask.

I must now go and prepare the altar.
______________________
P.S. See also Stuff Fundies Like for more on the subject. Eeek!

"I got a rock."

Protected: Halloween Flower Fairy 2009

WTF?

If anyone knows how to fix the off and on wonky blog format, feel free to chime in – it’s driving me nuts. Thanks.

OK, now it’s back and I look dumb. Thanks Blogger! XOXO

Confucius Say: Are You People Serious?

Interesting story:

WASHINGTON (CNN) – In a belated celebration on Wednesday, the House marked last month’s 2,560th birthday of Chinese philosopher Confucius by passing a resolution recognizing “his invaluable contributions to philosophy and social and political thought.”

But some members apparently prefer their Confucius confined to a fortune cookie rather than on the House floor. According to the vote tally, 47 voted against the birthday resolution and 13 voted “present,” while 361 supported it.

“We love Confucius, but what a joke of a vote,” Rep. Jason Chaffetz, R-Utah, told CNN.

“I can’t go back to the people of Utah and say, ‘Yeah, we’re voting on Confucius today,'” said Chaffetz, who called the resolution “absurd.” “How many more birthdays do we vote on before we start fixing the economy?”

The resolution’s sponsor, Democrat Al Green of Texas, said on the House floor the resolution is meant to celebrate the “personal introspection” of the Chinese philosopher and his “respect of social relationships, personal and governmental morality.”

“He preached that politicians must always present truth and morality. He taught the philosophy of reciprocity, never impose upon others what you would not choose for yourself,” said Green.

When asked about the criticism aimed at his resolution, Green gave CNN a Confucius-like statement: “Although I would like 100 percent of the people to agree with me 100 percent of the time, I have learned that rarely happens.”

Arizona Republican Jeff Flake, who also voted against the measure, tried conjuring the Chinese philosopher in an e-mail prediction: “He who spends time passing trivial legislation may find himself out of time to read healthcare bill.”

OK, I don’t really care what your politics is, this IS a joke. I’m admittedly not current on Al Green’s record as a legislator, but I had a couple cases before him way back when he was a Justice of the Peace here and I do have an impression of him based on that.

First, when you were scheduled for court, even a one minute hearing, you had to sit and listen to his spiel: the rules of the courtroom, the rules of procedure as they differ between Justice of the Peace Court and Small Claims Court (a JP in this state will hear both types on the same docket), what mediation is and why your case will be sent to it, the postjudgment procedures, his personal theory of justice, and several personal anecdotes, and so on and so forth.

Don’t get me wrong – many JPs have a little speech that they repeat before they begin hearing cases. However the speech is usually less than ten minutes. Justice Green spoke routinely for an hour or more.

When you are a busy attorney charging your client by the hour, this expense of time is no trivial matter. Also, it was pure torture to have to sit and listen to.

I quickly came to the conclusion that Mr. Green really likes the sound of his own voice. Like. Really. And I began turning down any case in his court or that would have to be filed there (there weren’t many, but still). In retrospect, this may have been part of his plan – lower his workload by boring the attorneys into fleeing his precinct, in which case, I do have to give him credit for a job well done.

I had one case – fairly trivial, but the client was willing to pay and legally they had an interesting case. Two extremely hostile neighbors were fighting over a tree and the damage it allegedly did to a carport and garage. Note: tree cases are rarely about the actual tree – they are much more likely to be about something else altogether. Bad feelings were not new between these neighbors – they had bickered for years over this and that – as I said, the problem was not rooted in the actual tree. It was a power struggle and nothing more, but there were legal issues that the parties could not (would not) work out, so to court it went.

Trials in JP court are often only a few minutes long. Once in a while you end up before a jury and even then, it doesn’t last long. I think my maximum prior to this was a couple hours, but that included taking the judge out to a property (Road trip!) to personally view the damage.

This case (part of it the judge’s speech and I think we went involuntarily to mediation for a short time, which did not go over well with either side) lasted six hours. I wish I was kidding – it lasted all day long. It was insane. I have never worked so hard for such a trivial matter in my life. And we won – I don’t remember the details, but I do recall the Client thanking both myself and Jesus, so I know we won…..the specifics are irrelevant now. Six hours for something like a $1,400 case. Moral victory. Financial loss.

The same case in any other court would have lasted maybe an hour – there were a few witnesses and an expert witness (yes, I’m serious) to put on, but certainly not all day. It was solely because of justice Green that the parties and I unnecessarily wasted the better part of the day in his courtroom.

I don’t think he is a bad guy. But in that instance, he was inconsiderate, impractical, dismissive of the value of each parties’ time (and the financial repercussions of having counsel present), and I don’t know if it was caused by an unduly high valuation of his own importance or that he was just completely oblivious of other peoples’ needs. Maybe both.

This vote on Confucius seems to be a waste of time too. Perhaps not the biggest waste of time, but a waste nonetheless – a waste of effort and a waste of time. And it did bring him some recognition to boost his already inflated ego. I’m inclined to think it’s not out of character for him at all. I hope I’m proven wrong.

The superior man is modest in his speech, but exceeds in his actions.
-Confucius, The Confucian Analects

Our Candy-Eating Robot


The costume is dotted in LED lights, which you can’t really see right now, but they are truly the highlight. They look great at night. Hey – I just noticed one of the blue reflectors fell off….I’ll have to fix that (yay for extras!).

For Halloween night he’ll have on silver shoes and glittery silver makeup (probably just on his cheeks for the effect).

Here’s a video – it’s loud, so take those speakers down a notch. I’ll try to get a nighttime video or at least one at dusk so you can get the full effect:

Since I’ve been asked, the costume consists of the following:

1 – Turkey Roasting Pan ($1.00)
2 – Sets of small reflectors ($1.00)
6 – Small mirrors (unbreakable) ($2.00)
1 – Generic Tin (I used a candy tin) ($0.00)
3 – Sets of battery powered LED lights ($0.00)
1 – Multicolored battery operated LED pumpkin light. ($0.00)
1 – Solar Powered Calculator ($1.00)
7 – Reflective Stickers ($?.00)
2 – Foam-backed reflective car sunvisors ($2.00)
1 – Roll of metallic tape ($1.00)
1 – Roll of Clear Packing Tape ($1.00)
1 – Nail to make holes in pan ($0.00)
1 – Small hammer to make holes (could do by hand)
1 – Shower sprayer hose with sprayer removed ($1.00)
1 – Pair of grey sweat pants (with hole in knee) and grey shirt

I already had the items marked as $0.00, so the total price was about $12.00, primarily purchased from our local dollar store.

You can pretty much figure out the how-tos by looking at it and you might have some better ideas for materials or configuration than what I used but I’m pretty happy with the result. The base of the robot is just a piece of the sunvisor wrapped around and stapled directly to his sweatpants – it’s open in the back to allow for movement. I do have another pan for the back of the costume, but I’m not sure I’m going to bother with it at this point.

Note that it is not the most resilient costume, though, so for a really boisterous child, you’d need to find something more durable than an aluminum pan. Other ideas – paint pan (still shiny, but much harder), dish drying rack pan sprayed silver, several layers of cardboard sprayed silver.

Happy Halloweening!

The Kittysuit

By request, here’s the babe at the neuro appointment. Full body shots with tail will have to wait – she wouldn’t look up when I tried to take some outside today. Far too busy gathering acorns – you would have thought she was wearing a squirrel suit by the way she went about collecting them in her little paws.

No!

Mr. Lawyer asked me, “Why does the baby keep yelling “No!” at me and whacking me in the face?” (He’s not kidding – for the record, she wields a mean uppercut.)

Me: “She’s showing you your nose, honey. Isn’t that sweet – she has a new word? Just acknowledge it, tell her she’s smart, and she’ll move on to poking you in the eye instead.”

Mr. Lawyer: “Why can’t you just teach her about belly buttons?”

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