Too….much….sugar…..please….send….help…

I’m going to have to get rid of this stuff – I keep eating it even though it makes me feel like crap. Mmmm, but it’s tasty. Just one more Reese’s….

I bought enough candy for approximately 4500 trick or treaters. Mr. Lawyer reports that we actually got nine, give or take. So I have something like 150 pounds of candy left – and it’s going with Mr. Lawyer to work. He won’t eat it. OK, he’ll probably eat all the Almond Joys, but the rest he’ll dump in the kitchen area of the office and it will probably be gone within a half hour – we have found people there eat anything.

Crackers that no one likes? Send them to work.

Cookies that come out not-spectacular? Send them to work.

Box of baked goods that I realize in horror contain transfats and refuse to feed to the kids? Send it to work.

It’s actually kind of a joke that there is no foodstuff that someone at his office won’t eat. I would never send anything stale or actually burned or anything nasty like that, but if it’s perfectly good food that for whatever reason isn’t welcome in my house, off to work it goes and it apparently welcomed by the overworked and underfed.
I’ll admit, there have been a few items that I told him to dump anonymously. They disappeared in record time. I won’t go into specifics other than to say not all my baking experiments turn out like the photo.

Of the Halloween take, I siphoned off all of the peanut candy (yum), the stuff made in China, anything made in Mexico, a bunch of Saf-T-Pops that look like they had sat in a hot car too long, all of the Tootsie Roll Products (which I adore but just noticed they contain Partially Hydrogenated oil), the jawbreakers, cheap bubblegum, super sour candies (Very acidic – those are terrible for little teeth!), and anything really difficult to chew. It’s all going to work along with the stuff we bought to give out. Oh, don’t worry – there is plenty left. Lots of chocolate and Junior Mints and SweetTarts and tons of other things.

Oh, and about food made in China – we don’t eat it if we know about it. China is notoriously lax in their food manufacturing standards (remember the horror of the melamine in the baby formula?) and it has extended to many products. There is no guarantee that anything that comes out of that country is what it claims to be, particularly with regard to food products. Further, even if the manufacturer is an honest one, China is so horrifically polluted that the food is almost certainly contaminated from the water and other ingredients that were used in its production.

“Environmental woes that might be considered catastrophic in some countries can seem commonplace in China: industrial cities where people rarely see the sun; children killed or sickened by lead poisoning or other types of local pollution; a coastline so swamped by algal red tides that large sections of the ocean no longer sustain marine life.”

So, the Halloween candy from China doesn’t go to work – it goes in the trash. I have no problem pawning off mediocre snacks on Mr. Lawyer’s co-workers, but I draw the line at poisoning them.

Now, will it be a snack sized Milky Way or a Snickers? Decisions, decisions…..
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Hey, it’s Halloween – Time to Sacrifice the Baby!

 

I’ve been anticipating this moment all year, when I can get jiggy with a demon goat and sacrifice my children to the Lord of Darkness, driven by the bewitched Halloween candy I consume.
According to this eminently believable article, the author warns us:

“During this [Halloween] period demons are assigned against those who participate in the rituals and festivities. These demons are automatically drawn to the fetishes that open doors for them to come into the lives of human beings. For example, most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches.

I do not buy candy during the Halloween season. Curses are sent through the tricks and treats of the innocent whether they get it by going door to door or by purchasing it from the local grocery store. The demons cannot tell the difference.”

My friend Shannon reports that she observed a coven of witches encircling the candy display at Costco this past weekend – it all makes sense now.

I did buy several bags of Halloween candy this week. Mostly because the demons in the first bag I bought spirited me into mindlessly devouring the contents within days – obviously Twix Cookie Bars are an element of Satan.

I was smarter the second time – I opened the bags outside while reciting the Lord’s Prayer and emptied the candy into a brown paper bag and the demons into the sand box. Lord help that stray cat next time he takes a dump in there. Two birds, one stone, eh?

Oh and I know you thought you were taking the kids out dressed as Spiderman and a Tinkerbell to gather a little sugary loot, make wonderful family memories, and enjoy fun annual traditions like candy apples, visiting the pumpkin patch, and making jack-o-lanterns, but whether you’ve realized it or not, you are actually training your children to worship Satan. Specifically, you are teaching them to engage in the following activities:

“~ Sex with demons
~ Orgies between animals and humans
~ Animal and human sacrifices
~ Sacrificing babies to shed innocent blood
~ Rape and molestation of adults, children and babies
~ Revel nights
~ Conjuring of demons and casting of spells
~ Release of “time-released” curses against the innocent and the ignorant.
~ …necromancy, or communication with the dead. “

I know, it didn’t seem so dark when you were digging through your kid’s candy bags for the last Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, but I and author Kimberly Daniels can assure you otherwise.

Further, football fans, candy or no candy, you are totally out of luck. You bought a one way ticket to hell when you attended those occult Homecoming pep rallies:

Gathering around bonfires is a common practice in pagan worship. As I remember, the bonfires that I attended during homecoming week when I was in high school were always in the fall. I am amazed at how we ignorantly participate in pagan, occult rituals.”

So dear readers, enjoy your Milky Way snack bars and your Peanut M&Ms, and your mini Twizzlers while you can, oh and those pumpkin shaped Reese’s are divine, aren’t they? But remember the time will come to pay the piper and he wants more than your candy apples. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. I don’t think USPS forwards mail to H-E-double hockey sticks, but it doesn’t hurt to ask.

I must now go and prepare the altar.
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P.S. See also Stuff Fundies Like for more on the subject. Eeek!

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