Mr. Lawyer asked me, “Why does the baby keep yelling “No!” at me and whacking me in the face?” (He’s not kidding – for the record, she wields a mean uppercut.)

Me: “She’s showing you your nose, honey. Isn’t that sweet – she has a new word? Just acknowledge it, tell her she’s smart, and she’ll move on to poking you in the eye instead.”

Mr. Lawyer: “Why can’t you just teach her about belly buttons?”

Sleep, optional

Memo to Babybeast:

I should preface this by thanking you for sleeping from nine yesterday evening until almost eleven. That’s almost two hours straight; please don’t think I didn’t notice or appreciate your obvious efforts. I’d like to discuss the events which occurred shortly thereafter, however, as they are of some concern.

Firstly, after eating a nice big meal at both 8:30 and 9:00pm, I’m really not so sure you need to eat at 11:00, 11:45, 1:30, 2:30, 3:15, and 3:40. After all, and please don’t take this the wrong way, but you are not in any danger of wasting away to nothing. And then when you woke up around 5:00 and I dragged you into the bed (against my better judgment, but really, who has good judgment at 5:am?) I’m afraid I did not explain clearly enough that my near proximity alone is not the same as an all you can eat as long as you can eat buffet. Please curtail your eating needs to two post-bedtime meals per night, effective immediately.

Further, and I hate to take your fun away, but gleefully scaling both your father and I at 7:00am while screeching cheerful baby screeches and poking at our eyeballs is just not going to work for me. I’ve spoken to your father and he is in agreement on this one. Cheerful baby screeches are acceptable, but not when accompanied by eyeball clawing. Thank you for your understanding.

In short, I think if you follow these guidelines, you will find that I am more more pleasant to be around during the day which only serves to benefit your experience as an infant. Thank you in advance for your cooperation in this matter.


The Mommy

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